can I just skip to the part in my life where I’m covered in tattoos, working my dream job, traveling, and married to the girl I love
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i dont understand how my decisions to get piercings and tattoos affect my parents lives
Kinda hungry kinda horny kinda tired kinda wanna get a tattoo
“what does your tattoo mean?”
It means I wanted it so I fucking got it
One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via boldly-toward-the-stars)
Lol “LOVE DAD”
I’d be horrified if my dad said anything like this to me
But yeah number FOUR is VERY IMPORTANT (via aaaaffinity)
May 16th// 11:08 pm
“Hey, I guess you’re asleep. Call me back when you wake up”July 24th// 5:04 am
“Wake up I miss you”September 8th// 2:09 am
“I just wanted to hear your voice”September 8th// 2:16 am
“Okay listen. I think I might be in love with you please call me back.”October 11th// 5:42 pm
“Baby girl I love you, I’m so happy you’re mine I’ll see you tonight.”November 29th// 8:06 am
“You’re still asleep and you’re the most beautiful thing in the world. I can’t wait to get home and see you. I can’t wait to kiss you.”December 12th// 9:16 am
“Look I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I still love you princess. I love you. I’m sorry. I just.. I love you alright. Call me back when you can.”January 15th// 4:06 pm
“I’m out and I saw something that made me think of you so I thought I would call you. I miss your voice.”January 18th// 9:12 am
“Baby get dressed, I’m picking you up in 15, let’s run away.”January 23rd// 8:47 pm
“Oh god your mother hates me”February 14th// 3:06 pm
“Happy Valentine’s day I love you more than anything. You’re the world. You’re everything good. I’d let you swallow me whole. I like the way you look when you’re tired. I hate it when you cry. I’ll see you tonight baby.”February 24th// 12:09 am
“I’m sorry.”April 8th// 4:06 am
“Hey… I need to come over and get the rest of my stuff.”
“You won’t love me one day,” I told him as we lay on the grass in the dark.
He wrapped his arms around me a little tighter and held me for a while, not speaking.
“I will always love you, unconditionally and without exception.” He murmured, his breath tickling my ear.
I shifted positions to face him. “I don’t think so. You’ll leave one day, and you’ll find a girl who isn’t half as messed up as me.”
I think I caught him off guard because he didn’t know what to say.
I wanted to tell him to reassure me that he wouldn’t leave; I wanted to ask him to lie to me and say he would stay and that we could have our own perfect happy ending. I wanted to scream and shout and make him promise things I knew I had no right to demand. But I knew I had no right, so I stayed silent.
And still he said nothing. Instead, his arms tensed and we lay on the grass in silence.
Then somewhere between 1am and dawn he fell asleep, and his arms slackened.
All I felt then was emptiness as his soft snoring gave rise to the realisation that not only had I lost him, I never really had him to begin with.
i find it odd how it’s completely acceptable for guys to say they prefer big boobs or small boobs etc
but if a girl even dares speak about a guy’s dick it’s game over and she’s shallow and should never speak about something they can’t help
sounds familiar huh

